Words On Vacation

© 2014 Terry Breen

The player

The player was hurt again. But the player was always hurt. It was his thing. And he was paid handsomely for it. He was handsome, too, so the ladies loved him. They didn’t even know what sport it was that he never seemed to play.

The player showed a lot of promise. This was his greatest strength. In fact, it was his only strength. He was, in a word, inspiring. He walked into a room and people were inspired. He inspired the old by exhibiting the grace of repose. He inspired the young by challenging them to dream of their potential.

The player had, of course, played well at certain points in his career. People were fuzzy about the details but they did remember the roar of the crowd. 

“What a game he had that day!” his fans would recall as they gathered at fan conventions where the player gave speeches and seminars and quoted from his line of self-help books. “What games he’ll play again soon!”

The player commanded the rapt attention and the deep devotion of the media. He could do no wrong and would do right again.

The player’s doctors agreed that his prognosis was sunny. They concurred that his ability to heal was rare, possibly superhuman.

The religious community prayed for his return to action.

The politicians used him in their speeches as an example of all the great virtues, especially patience.

The residents of his home town named streets after him and sponsored a contest to build a statue of him, envisioned as the largest and sturdiest public monument in the world.

The contest sponsors are still mulling over what famous sculptor will create this enormous statue. They promise that a decision will come any day now. Any day.

A preview of the next episode of Just One Life

“It’s over, Gertrude!”

“I know, Horace. I don’t love you any more—but I’m still crazy about your name.”

Speedy, the assassin horse

Speedy was a quarter horse bred for the big time, but was never fast enough to win a big race. Still, he was fairly healthy, so he ended up hauling tourists down winding, hilly trails at a resort in the Blue Ridge Mountains.

He ate well but considered his new career rather demeaning. So, inspired by Three Stooges episodes featuring tree branches slamming into people, Speedy one day began toppling riders to their death by steering them into especially lively low-hanging branches. He was successful three times before being retired and put out to stud.

Speedy turned out to be quite successful as a stud—in no small part because many of the fillies found his tales about being an assassin—and thereby “taking it to the man”—rather stimulating.

The resort

The resort is always there when you want to get away.

But sometimes, as you know, the resort isn’t always relaxing. You’ll recall the time the resort was invaded by scorpions, and another time by bears, and still another time by squirrels and chipmunks.

Still the resort can always be forgiven for its shortcomings—because it’s always a place where you can get away from it all.

But you can’t get completely away. That’s because even the resort can’t free you from yourself. When you visit the resort, you still need to bring yourself along. You can’t leave yourself at home when you go to the resort. Even if you changed resorts, you still couldn’t leave yourself back at home.

The resort is silent and peaceful most of the time. Only once in a while is the weather unpleasant. And only once in a while do the critters cause a problem.

So the success of a visit to the resort always relies on how well the you that comes along with you is feeling.

The followers

The followers loved the leader.

One faction of the followers believed that the leader parted his hair on the left.

Another faction believed that he parted it on the right.

Still another faction believed that the leader was bald and always had been.

Lesser factions believed other things about the top of the leader’s head, but these beliefs were not well-known because of a lack of funds to publicize them.

But all of the followers, despite their brand, did agree on certain things about the leader.

They believed that the leader believed in himself.

They believed that the leader could not err in his beliefs.

They believed that the leader had much more wisdom then they could ever have.

They believed that the leader had much more creativity, too—and actually more of just about everything else of any value in life.

The followers believed in the leader.

And they were relieved—relieved that they didn’t need to believe in themselves.

The game show

“Welcome to You’ve Made A Mistake! I’m your host, Chet Harker. And here’s someone who’s never a mistake for the eyes: my lovely assistant, Miss Sherry Bracket-Margin!”

“Hi, Chet, and hi out there to everyone in TV land. It’s time once again to play the game that makes sure that you never forget your life’s biggest mistake!”

“That’s right, Sherry. And who do we have as our first contestant?”

“Why, Chet, it’s someone who would rather spend time reading than enjoying the many, many wonderful shows on TV!”

“Why, we can’t have that, can we?”

You scream as you feel a scorching pain rip through you, apparently triggered by the remote control-type object in Chet’s hand.

“The old electronic reckoner never fails to grab their attention,” says Chet.

“That’s right, Chet,” says Sherry, turning to you with a big smile. “Sorry, there, friend, but mistakes can be quite painful!”

You cringe, expecting another painful jolt. But it doesn’t come—not right way, that is. But, over the next 15 minutes, you get zapped over and over for your answers to Sherry and Chet’s questions about the biggest mistake in your life: the decision to throw yourself into reading rather than watching TV.

“But I don’t read all the time!” you cry.

Zap!

“I do watch TV now and then!”

Zap!

“At least I still own a TV set. Some of my friends have thrown their sets out the window!”

Zap!

“OK, OK,” you finally say. “I’ll stop reading altogether.”

Zap!

“What was that for?” you cry.

“You can’t do that,” says Chet. “You still need to read the TV program listings.”

“That’s right,” adds Sherry, “and the gossip magazines about all the TV stars.”

“But don’t get sucked into those words,” says Chet. “Know when to say no.”

“Yes,” says Sherry. “Words will take you nowhere!”

“All right, all right!” you cry. “Just don’t zap me anymore!”

“So you think you’ve paid the price for your biggest mistake?” asks Sherry.

“Yes!” you say.

“My, you’ve been through so much,” says Chet. “It just doesn’t seem fair, does it?”

You’re afraid to say anything, but then you see Sherry aiming her zapper at you.

“No, don’t!” you cry. “I don’t want to be zapped anymore.”

“Awww,” she responds, “is baby looking for the shelter of a good book? Is baby looking to crawl back into the womb? Is baby looking to get lost in a bunch of words?”

“Sherry, Sherry, Sherry,” Chet says, shaking his head and smiling. “Please have some mercy. I think our first contestant has finally wised up and is now facing reality.”

“Well, I would hope so!” says Sherry. “After all, it’s the 21^st Century! Words are so passé!”

The official cheer of The Church of Love

What do we do here?

Love!

What do we do when we leave here?

Love!

What do we believe in?

Love!

Well, all right!

The Angel of Laughter

The Angel of Laughter stopped by the other day and suddenly produced three colorful signs out of thin air.

The first read: “Ha.”

The second: “Ho.”

The third: “He.”

The angel observed: “When you put these all together and get wildly redundant, you get laughter—and you know never where that might lead!”

The diligent reader

Last month, the diligent reader plowed through The Novel As History, The Novel As Biography, The Novel As Sociological Inquiry, and even an obscure book called The Novel As Novel.

This month, the diligent reader plans to tackle Journalism As Fiction, Journalism As Folk Art, Journalism As Bookkeeping, and the provocative Journalism As Journalism.

Next month, the diligent reader plans to explore The Essay As Song, The Essay As Sculpture, The Essay As Sermon, The Essay As Painting, The Essay As Appetizer, The Essay As Entrée, and The Essay As An Unholy Alliance Of Fiction, Journalism, Poetry, And Advertising Copy.

In months to come, the diligent reader plans to read the exotic book, The Essay As Essay.

Three cheers for the diligent reader!

A day on campus

Two writing students showed up for the first day of their new fiction-writing class—and discovered that the classroom didn’t exist!

“Wow!” one student said to the other. “This class is going to be great!”

In Las Vegas

A security guard broke up a game of solitaire at an empty Blackjack table.

“That’s OK,” said the offender, “I’m not winning.”

The boss

“Hi, there! Come in and sit down!  My door is always open! Of course, my secretary—you know, Aimee—she likes to joke, ‘Your door might be always open, but you’re not!’ She’s just kidding, of course. She knows that I didn’t get to where I am by being inattentive to the wants and needs of my employees. I see all—and hear all. But don’t let that scare you. I’m your friend as well as your boss and I’m always here for you—unless, of course, when I’m out on the golf course. Do you play golf? If so, I can be there for you, too—you know, out on the course, where more business takes place than in this office, I wanna tell you! Hey, maybe we can smack a few little white balls around together some time. What do you say? Smack the hell out of them and see where they go! But, Buddy, I gotta warn you: I cheat. No, just kidding! Aimee will back me up on that! She’d better! No, just kidding! Hey, glad to have you aboard. Really. I mean it! Put it there!”

A poem about the human condition

We don’t know what we don’t know—and we do know what we do.

We don’t do what we don’t do—and we do do what we do.

We won’t go where we won’t go—and we will go where we will.

And sometimes we’re just leaning on a windowsill.

A request from a hotel guest

“Hello, room service?”

“Yes?”

“Could I have more room?”

A day off

“Boys and girls,” said the kindly alien commander to his outreach team, “you can have a day off from our urgent mission to reform life on Earth.”

“But, why, Commander?” came many disappointed voices.

“Well, it seems that no one on this planet wants to be enlightened today.”

The complainers

“I went to the bookstore today—but I get so depressed when I go into a bookstore. There are so many good books to read. I’ll never live long enough to read even a fraction of them—even if I could afford to buy them all to begin with!”

“Oh, I know! Hey, you won’t believe what happened to me today! I got a paper cut on my tongue while sealing up a payment to my doctor!”

“Oh, man! I tell you!”

“I know. I’ve got a bad hangnail, too.”

“No! Aren’t those the worst?”

“Sometimes you just wonder: ‘What’s next?’”

“I know. Hey, here comes Bruce. I wonder how his day is going.”

“Hi, guys.”

“Hey, Bruce. How’s it going?”

“Well, I’ve had sort of a rough day, I guess. I got fired. My wife left me. My car was stolen. My house burned down. And the doctor told me I have just three weeks to live. Well, see you, guys. I’ve got to run.”

“Yeah, see you, Bruce.”

“Holy smokes!”

“I know.”

“What a downer that guy is! All he can do is complain!”

“I know! Doesn’t he realize the negative effect he has on others?”

“No, sadly, he doesn’t. He’s thinking only of himself.”

“Really! Don’t you just hate complainers?”

Fortune cookies

Two friends compared the fortunes they got after sharing an order of shrimp chop suey.

“Mine says, ‘Knock and the door shall be opened for you.’ What’s yours say?”

“’Knock yourself out!’”

Love in the future

“I’m sick of going out with your clone,” she complained. “When are you going to be available?”

“Listen, dear,” he said, “you should consider yourself lucky. My clone is very popular.”

“I don’t care! He still isn’t you!”

“But, dear, I think he’s in love with you! You don’t want to break his heart, do you?”

“Well, no.”

“I didn’t think so. After all, I do need to look out for my clone’s feelings. I can’t stand idly by and see my clone’s heart get broken.”

After reflecting for a moment, she said, “Hey, if I return your clone’s advances, would you be jealous?”

“I don’t think so,” he said. “Everyone’s entitled to a chance at romance, even a clone. I’d try to be understanding about it.”

“Well,” she said, “I do find tolerance an admirable trait in a man. I think I’m more in love with you now than ever!”

“Why, thank you,” he said. “I’ll be sure to have tolerance programmed into the next version of my clone. Are there any other tweaks you think I should make?”

Hold the phone

“You did what?”

“I had my phone number changed.”

“For security reasons?”

“No, I just never did like the ring of it.”

The crisis

The crisis was mushrooming out of control and affecting many.

The company that caused the crisis was keeping cool, though—now that its Illegal Affairs and Public Distractions people were on the case.

Cauliflower

Whenever he needed a lift, he went to the store and bought cauliflower, and then brought it home and ate it, plain and unadorned. To him, cauliflower tasted so good that it inspired him. It reminded him about the wonders of life and the beauty in simple things. He shared his reflection with friends, who soon came to love cauliflower, too.

When a body meets a body

“Honey, you can’t resist me.”

“Sure I can.”

“If you pull the car over, I’ll prove you wrong.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“Do it. I dare you.”

“You should hear yourself! You’re so caught up in superficial stuff like sex. People really need to go deeper than physical attraction. I mean, what, after all, is the body but a flesh costume?”

“A ‘flesh costume’?”

“That’s what my guru calls it. He says our body is far inferior to our soul—and that our spiritual side is what matters above all. When we die, we leave our bodies behind, like butterflies flying out of the cocoon, and then the soul is all that matters.”

“That may be, honey. But the body means a whole hell of a lot while we’re still alive.”

“You do have a point there. I’m pulling over.”

A new report from The Why Board

“Sad to say,” wrote the director in the report’s introduction, “but our findings about the ‘why of life’ are still inconclusive.”

The new reality TV show

A fellow actor acquaintance ran up to a budding actor named Jack as he was walking to catch the bus to his day job one morning.

“Hey, Jack, did you see your dream on TV last night?”

“My dream? On TV?”

“Yeah, man!  About 1 a.m. on that new live reality TV show! You had three of them with you—a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead! Way to go, Jack!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“C’mon, Jack, you can tell me about it.”

“Well, I admit to having the dream, but I don’t know anything about it being on TV.”

“Oh, yeah. That new cerebral eavesdropping device they use is amazing. It captures everything—and broadcasts it as it happens.”

“But that’s an invasion of my privacy!”

“So what, man? It’s what you’ve always wanted! You’re famous!”

“But…”

“Well, at least your dreams are famous.”

It was a slow news day until…

…scientists discovered first one, then two, then three, then four identical snowflakes.

“My God,” said one of the scientists, “it’s a blizzard!”

Unaware heroes from the world of clichés

The famous mole whose hill has often been made into a mountain was not aware of his fame.

The same can be said about the chicken who crossed the road.

And the frog in my throat.

A public service message

In life, things can happen quickly.

Your life can change in an instant.

Your thoughts and beliefs can change, too.

So be prepared.

This has been a friendly reminder from the That’s Life Foundation.

Topics at the psychiatry conference

• Is there an upside to being down?
• Getting down with acting out
• The ins and outs of introversion
• Multiple personalities and friendship

Painting with words

Once upon a time, an art gallery and a short story collection fell in love. They wanted to get married but hesitated because they were from different aesthetic backgrounds. But love finally prevailed—and the wedding attracted many colorful characters.

“How about that?”

That’s what the sunrise said to the night.

Down in the coal mine

It’s dark down there—and there aren’t any smiles to light it up.

But several of the miners had a feeling that things might be changing.

Driven by a wild impulse, one of these visionaries even smiled one day. Of course, this smile occurred in his home, but it was a breakthrough for the miner all the same, and he dreamed of one day going to work and smiling down in the mine.

Meanwhile, his wise wife reminded him that, after all, they must be grateful for the fact that the coal he mined generated the electricity that heated and lit up their home.

“In other words,” she said, “you may not like coal, but at least you can lump it.”

Dollop or smidgen?

The word choice was huge.

The diligent reader battles indecision 

It often happened that multiple reading options cried out for the diligent reader’s attention. The diligent reader usually turned to meditation for assistance in making a choice.

“Free my mind of words,” the diligent reader would intone, “so that I might then choose the best words with which to commune right now—for, alas, I have yet to discover a way to consume two books within the same moment. Ommmmm.”

Often, sleep encroached upon such a meditation, solving the problem.

Squirrel Boy

He was widely considered to be sort of a nut.

Take a walk in the meadow

Friends, do you feel boxed in by pressures everywhere you turn?

Do you feel that no matter how hard you work, and how much sleep you give up, that you still can’t get ahead?

If so, you’re clearly suffering from “overwhelmia,” the troublesome feeling that there’s always too much to do and too little time to do it in.

It’s not a good feeling, is it?

But, you might say, “Isn’t it just the way things are?”

Well, if you do say that, then I must ask you to think about whether overwhelmia is just a mistaken perception that most of us have—that being an “overwhelmiac” is quite possibly a choice that you don’t need to make, that you and I just might be able to feel quite mellow and good all the time.

Overcoming overwhelmia means feeling balanced—like, say, a beautiful meadow.

Ever really look at a beautiful meadow? It’s got a beautiful balance that features flowers and birds and squirrels and sky and sun and trees, and—well, you get the picture.

Like that meadow, we’re also part of nature.

So why can’t we be balanced like that beautiful meadow is?

We just need to slow down, take a deep breath, and take a walk in the meadow.

No deposit, no return

Or in other words: “You don’t reap what you don’t sow.”

Yeah, that’s right

You heard me.

Time lapse

“Hey, let’s watch a time-lapse video of our vacation!”

“Hey, let’s not!”

The politician answers a reporter’s question

“Maybe I’ll look forward to looking into that sometime in future—perhaps. Next question?”

A new name

Upon rising each morning, he gave himself a new name.

“Today, I believe ‘Jonas’ will be quite suitable,” he announced to the bathroom mirror.

The guru stopped by

The guru appeared at my door dressed in a white lab coat.

“What’s with the lab coat?” I asked.

“I like these things,” he said, his hands deep in the pockets. “They make a person look intelligent.” 

I laughed. “You look like an intern.”

“We’re all interns,” he said, “always learning.”

“Even you?”

“Especially me!” he said, laughing.

“What have you been up to lately?” I asked.

“I’ve been spending most of my time lately visiting artists. Artists are so important to the health of this world. They create sacred things—things that inspire us, or shock us. But all of these things are valuable. An artist sends out a vibration that just might cause the recipient to do something new and positive—by seeing beyond the illusion of the divisive material world and into the unifying essence behind it. An artist is a lens though which the light of the Creator shines. What prisms and rainbows come out on the other side! They certainly look terrific on this white lab coat of mine!”

A favorite holiday

Roger was at the diner telling the waitress about his favorite holiday: Groundhog’s Day.

“Groundhog’s Day?” said the waitress. “Why’s that?”

“Because,” said Roger, “no one makes you feel guilty if you don’t send a present—and everybody’s surprised to a get a card.”

The Anti-Fashion League

Their fanatical members often wore bright green socks that clashed painfully (as intended) with the rest of their mismatched garb.

“We realize that there’s so, so much to be done,” their leader told a reporter, “but we’re doing what we can.”

Up in smoke

Up high in the air fixing a power line in the bitter cold, a power company worker who was trying to quit smoking happened to look down at the scene below him.

He saw a waiter behind a restaurant puffing on a cigarette—and a runner loping down an alley, with breath steaming from his mouth in the frigid air.

The repair guy was struck by the drama of the scene, highlighted by smoke emanating from the mouth of one person and exhaled air from another.

“It’s amazing the power we have as humans to make choices!” he thought.

That was months ago now, and he’s still a non-smoker.

Trouble with topaz

All the other rocks were fine, but topaz was not behaving well for the jeweler. But she didn’t panic. She put on some soothing music and turned to obsidian.

A philosophical blues song

Woke up this morning, found the world was a dream.

Woke up this morning, found the world was a dream.

Saw that I was an illusion, not knowing how to seem.

A political note

“Clearly,” said the stand-up comic, “our government is built on a system of checks and balances. It needs our checks so it can have its balances.”

She was unsure of something

So she told her friend about it.

“I’m not sure if I’m the disorganized organized type, or the organized disorganized type,” she said.

“Oh, don’t be silly,” her friend said. “That’s part of your charm.”

Bicycle tires and balance

The bike repairman noted: “Finding balance in life is like inflating the tires of your bicycle so you can take a ride. We have a lot of air here in our pump, so help yourself.”

The human comedy

“Sometimes life isn’t so funny,” said the sage. “That’s why it’s important to laugh.”

Thoughts about life, Part One

Life is like a tube of toothpaste. You can always get more out of it than you think.

The customer survey

Please rate your customer experience so far at Words On Vacation. Choose the response below that most closely reflects your experience.

• Excellent
• Good
• Fair
• Poor
• Nothing that a wrecking ball can’t cure

The player was feeling better

So he went to a party at his agent’s house. The next thing he knew he was waking up in a sprawling bedroom with blue pastel wallpaper and Chinese statues. He opened his eyes to see sunlight streaming through sheer powder-blue curtains dotted with yellow rickshaws.

Startled, he sat up, and pain ripped through his head. He searched through the fog of his condition until he remembered the last thing he remembered: going down steps to the basement. He put his hand to his forehead and felt a horrendous bump. He wobbled to a mirror and was shocked to see a poolball-sized knob on the right side of his forehead.

“Oh, man,” he said, putting a trembling finger to the bump to see if it were really real.

Just then he heard the door ease open and saw his agent appear in a charcoal pinstriped suit.

“Oh, babeee! How you feeling?”

“Horrible. What happened?”

“Oh, babeee! Don’t you remember your fall?”

“Fall?”

“Yeah,” said the agent, “you fell down the basement stairs and slammed up against the marble birdbath at the foot of the stairs.”

“A birdbath indoors?”

“For my tropical birds.”

“Tropical birds?”

“Yeah. When we found you, one was perched on your nose.”

“Oh, man. My head is killing me.”

“Oh, babeee! You probably have a concussion.”

“Don’t worry. I’m used to them.”

“Oh, I’m not worrying, old buddy. Quite the opposite. This new development keeps you out of service and in line with what your  fans expect from you. So, believe me, I’m not worrying. Oh, babeee!”

At the diner

“Whatta ya have?”

“The usual.”

“We’re out of it.”

“Then how about the unusual?”

“Comin’ at ya.”

He no longer celebrated birthdays

Instead, he celebrated “mirthdays.”

“By that, I mean every day,” he explained to a friend. “I try to laugh at least once a day. One laugh usually leads to two laughs, and, often, three. But at least one laugh a day constitutes an official ‘mirthday.’”

“Boy,” said his friend, “they ought to give you a medal. I have trouble even squeezing in a smile.”

The Kindness Dimension

In the Kindness Dimension, kindness is the most exciting thing around.

While movies on Earth deal mainly with violence, movies in the Kindness Dimension deal mainly with kindness. People cheer when a movie is able to demonstrate a new way of being kind.

Sports competitions in the Kindness Dimension give prizes to those teams who come up with the best ways to be kind to others.

“You might think that widespread kindness sounds boring, but it isn’t,” says a Kindness Dimension resident. “Kindness is actually quite exciting when practiced on a wide scale. But don’t take my word for it. Try it yourself!”

Observing peace

As Mary was walking down the street the other night, she saw a little girl reading a book in the living room of a nearby house. Lit by the light of a table lamp, the scene looked so peaceful. It seemed, in fact, that all the peace in the world was in that living room. Mary took note and brought a bit of that peace back to her own living room.
 

Space

Don’t want to talk? I don’t blame you. It’s probably safer to keep quiet.

If you don’t want to talk—and tell me at least what you’re in the slammer for—that’s your business. I won’t pry. Actually, I’d prefer it if you’d just listen.

I’m guessing that, like me, you’d like to get out of this tiny jail cell and I have some real space!

I want to fly like a football running back who sees a gaping hole opening up and is joyously dodging guys trying to tackle him.

I’m guessing that’s why we like watching football so much—because we like to see a runner break free from a tight spot and run for daylight.

And why in baseball we like to see a ball drop in between two outfielders and see the batter racing for second, then third. And why we like to hear the crack of the bat and see the ball soar into the sky and fly out of the park.

In all the sports, really, there’s excitement like that. And it all involves an object moving through space. The space is bigger than the ball or the player—but those little objects in those special moments thrive in that space. Without space they do not live.

But people are having trouble finding space today. The conventional wisdom is that there’s no time for anything—that we’ve got to pack all kinds of things together quickly and frantically—and be breathless.

This all runs counter to the way nature operates. A forest has a lot of trees but there’s still more space in the forest than there are trees. Even a jungle has a lot of space, and the scientists say this is true down at the subatomic level—that an atom has more space than mass.

So why do we buck this? Why do we cram things together and fill up our calendars and run around breathless?

Part of the reason is that we get the group message from advertisers and the media that this the way things are.

“We have busy lives,” they tell us, “so we can’t help being overwhelmed.”

So we buy into this madness and eat fast food because we think we have no time to prepare and eat healthy food.

And we drink alcohol because it’s a quicker way to chill out than by meditating or praying. We want a “happy hour” in which to space out.

But we can’t find real space there—we can find it only inside of ourselves.

I might be in a jail cell, just like you, but I can close my eyes and see and feel limitless space. And I can put space between my actions and even between my thoughts—and I can breathe and smile.

On the other hand, I can choose to be in a jail cell, frightened and breathless.

I can choose a tiny jail cell even though I know that the happiest moments in my life have all kinds of space in them—space in which to wander and wonder and love.

So then, why am I in this jail cell right now? I guess it’s because I make some questionable choices from time to time—and end up doing time.

Yes, from time to time, I forget that I always have the space inside of myself in which to choose something new.

So, as you see, right now I’m opening my cell door and leaving. My cell door has been unlocked all along!

Maybe you want to try opening your cell door, too. As you can plainly see, it’s unlocked.

Greetings from the Peace Vibe

Hello to all of you out there in the Earth Vibe!

We like to ask strangers: “What insights do you have for us that we might not have heard yet?”

We ask this question because, by listening to the answers, we’re always surprised at how much we can learn!

The diligent reader was tired of being called “voracious”

“Can’t you use a different adjective to characterize my habit?” the reader wrote in a newspaper op-ed piece. “I myself like ‘insatiable.’ Even ‘restless’ isn’t bad. But ‘voracious’ makes me sound like an animal—and isn’t attempting to rise above the rank of mere animal the main reason people read in the first place?”

Simplicity: Is it is still possible?

That was the subject at a recent gathering of deep thinkers.

After three days of debate, they agreed that simplicity was complicated.

Two friends discuss real life

“What a day! I’ll tell you, sometimes my life gets so bizarre that I feel like I’m a character in a weird, off-the-wall novel!”

“Tell me about it! But I don’t think the life of any character in any novel could ever be more bizarre or weird or off-the-wall than the day in the life of a typical human being.”

“I guess life really is stranger than fiction.”

“Oh, yeah—probably because God has a much better imagination than any writer.”

From a distant-future news story

The weight loss industry became extinct today when people everywhere finally realized that fat disappears only when you use more fuel than you take in.

The lost sunglasses

“Man, where are they?”

He made this cry for the umpteenth time.

He’d looked everywhere for his beloved sunglasses. Polarized lenses, great frames—those glasses had it all.

He ripped apart his house, his car, his girlfriend’s house, and his girlfriend’s car, and he visited the lost and found of every restaurant and store where he might have lost them.

He felt a dull sense of loss in his gut. Finally, he was resigned to the fact that his beloved sunglasses were lost.

Then a funny thing happened. His vision became very clear regarding what was really important to him in his life: his health, his abilities, the people he loved, and the many “intangibles.”

He started wearing his back-up sunglasses, and saw that they did the job very well.

Then, while climbing into his car one day, he adjusted the driver’s seat—and his lost sunglasses flew out at him, as if out of thin air or as if tossed to him by an angel.

He was thrilled to see his beloved sunglasses again.

But he was even more thrilled that he could now see the importance of gratitude for the invaluable things that can’t be bought.

Relics

“There’s always a real need for a community to treasure its relics,” the eminent anthropologist noted during a lobster dinner at a recent symposium in Naples. “I myself am partial to empty dental floss containers.”

The prose pony…

...was feeling frisky and mischievous today. (You might even say “poetic.”)

24/7

“Yeah, we never close,” said the cashier at the big-box store.

“Does that mean that this place is immortal?” asked the wisecracking customer.

“No,” said the clerk. “It just means that every day here is an eternity.”

Modern heroism

“C’mon, now,” she said, “stop feeling sorry for yourself and start acting like the hero that I know you are deep down inside.”

“That’s just the problem,” he said, “I don’t want to be a modern hero. I want to be one of those heroes from the ancient world—like Zeus or somebody like that—and hurl thunderbolts around and stuff.”

“Yeah, and I want to be Cleopatra.”  

“That’d be cool.”

“Yeah, I think it would, actually,” she said. “But I’ve got a better idea for both of us. How about making sure that from this moment on we’re kind to everyone we meet?”

“That’s a great idea, but it would be incredibly hard to do.”

“I know,” she said. “That’s what would make it heroic.”

Through the piehole

“It’s quite profound when you really think about it,” said the weight-loss expert, “but there’s really just one point of entry for all of your troubles: the old piehole. So you need to post sentries outside, with orders to shoot to kill.”

Thoughts about life, Part Two

Life is like a tube of toothpaste. It will help keep you smiling if you let it.

The King of Clichés ends a talk

“So, in conclusion, it’s clear that you can put the cart before the horse, but you can’t make him jump over it. And it’s equally clear that you can lead a horse to water, but if he drinks too much, he won’t be doing much traveling. Thank you.”

The professional listener

“Hello, sir, welcome to your first session with me. Thanks for coming. Please start talking whenever you’d like.”

“Well, first off, let me thank you for being here for me. It’s great to have you here to listen to me—because I have so many, many, many things to say, so many things—and there are so few, few, few people around who will listen.”

“Yes.”

“Now, I may be wrong, but I think what I have to say is really important, but getting anyone to listen to me anymore is a miracle. So, even if I need to pay you to listen, I’m OK with that. I’m flabbergasted, in fact!”

“Thank you, sir.”

“So it’s OK to just let loose then?”

“Certainly, sir.”

“Just wanted to be sure.”

“Of course. Please continue.”

“Well, I must say that people, on the whole, seem to be too busy to take the time to listen anymore. They just don’t see the value in listening or something! But you do, and I want to tell you that I do appreciate it. I do.”

“Thank you, sir. Glad to be here for you.”

“You probably think I’m a babbling brook—a motor mouth.”

“Those are your words, not mine, sir. I don’t have an opinion. I’m just here to listen.”

“Yes, I understand. I don’t want to know what you think. As long as you’re listening to me, I’m fine. And you are really listening to me—I can tell.”

“That’s what you’re paying me to do, sir.”

“Yes I am, aren’t I? Well, I have to say that I certainly admire you. I sure wish I could do a better job of listening myself. Listening is a challenge for me. Oh, yes! And I’m sure that being a better listener would make me a better person. It’s just that my ideas—well, they just keep on coming, no matter what I do! It seems I can’t stop them! I try to, but I can’t!”

“Yes, sir.”

“But what happens if someday I’m cured of this need to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk?”

“Then, sir, I’d guess that would probably be good for you.”

“Oh, I’m not so sure! Then what would I do with myself?”

“Well, sir, maybe you’d become a good listener. Maybe you’d even join my profession.”

“And you wouldn’t care?”

“Are you kidding? This business is booming! I’m looking for partners!”

Comedy, Tragedy, and God

Comedy

Hi, my name is Comedy—and I’m here to tell you what’s funny!

Tragedy

And I’m Tragedy—and I’m here to tell you what’s sad!

God

And I’m God. From my perspective, human life is neither funny nor sad—it just is!

Comedy and Tragedy

Yeah, right.

God

Hey, don’t tick me off. I’m the one who keeps you employed. If I didn’t exist, nothing would exist. We wouldn’t even be having this conversation.

Comedy

Yeah, yeah, we’ve been through this before.

Tragedy

(yawning) Yeah…

God

OK, be that way. It makes no difference to me.

Tragedy

Nothing makes any difference to you.

Comedy

Hey, that’s sort of funny.

Tragedy

Thanks.

Comedy

But stop stealing my material.

Tragedy

Hey, Comedy, I’ve got news for you. You haven’t cornered the market on laughs. I laugh every now and then. You have to!

Comedy

Amen!

God

Both comedy and tragedy are choices, my friends.

Tragedy

I agree. But my choice makes for a better story. About wars, for instance.

Comedy

But what about all the funny political speeches leading up to wars?

God

Either way, I guess I’m keeping you two pretty busy.

Tragedy

Yeah, we’re trying hard to make sense out of life.

Comedy

And that’s a challenge.

Tragedy

It gives us job security, that’s for sure.

Comedy

True—but there’s more to life than work.

Tragedy

Oh, come on, Comedy! You don’t consider what you do work, do you?

Comedy

Hey, just because I laugh a lot doesn’t mean that I’m not working. Laughing is hard to do sometimes!

Tragedy

That’s where I come in!

Comedy

And where I exit! (walks away)

God

Oh my. Tragedy, where does this leave us?

Tragedy

I don’t know about you, but if Comedy gets a vacation, then I deserve one, too! (walks away)

God

(smiling) Ah, kids!